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Being Chronically Mommy...

Welcome to the second in my chronic pain blog series. My first was my most well-known about my life struggle, balance, etc. with chronic pain and illness in "I Already Gave My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous!" It is now titled "Now Read My HIPS!" and the focus has changed a bit to be more about how I am a woman with several joint diseases and conditions with a shoulder replacement and two hip replacements and am belly dancing! Visit Now Read My HIPS! to follow that entertaining, fun journey (alreadygavertarm2bambidextrous.blogspot.com). I also have a Blog Talk Radio Show with the same title about chronic pain and healing.

This blog is a little bit different. It has been focusing on my being a mommy and having a chronic illness. I have been and will continue to focus on health and pain info as well that I once wrote about in Now Read My HIPS! I think it is important to separate this from the rest of my life. It is not easy to have a chronic illness, but adding a child to the mix certainly has its share of trying times as well as beautiful, unforgettable moments.


I am so grateful for our little boy Mick. I can't believe that he is 6 years old as of December of 2016. Time has flown by! He is a dream come true. He has completed my confusing, complicated life. In a very huge way, he has made my life a lot more worth living. Although I have a wonderful husband, we always wanted a family, and I feel like we are now complete and happy. I have something to wake up to, and I have something to live for~Mick! It really is it's own microcosm of my life~Being Chronically Mommy!


...Being Chronically Mommy!

...Being Chronically Mommy!
...Being Chronically Mommy!

Baby Ticker

 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Families are Forever

Blog with Integrity

BlogWithIntegrity.com

Monday, April 3, 2017

I'm Not as Strong as Everyone Thinks I Am, Yet in My Journey I Will Become Strong!



It seems as though the popular phrase these days is "You are so strong." I feel like I hear that all the time. I have to be honest, that phrase is making me sick, people. Quit saying it! Ya know what? I'm actually not that strong!
I'm rather weak in the literal sense of the word. My physical therapist says that I have weak muscles, weak joints, weak bones, weak tendons and ligaments that attach the bones and muscles and joints, etc.
My hands and fingers are weak. I have a brace for my wrist, and a splint for each finger. My knees are weak. I have a knee brace for both knees, and my Avascular Necrosis is worse in both so I am just waiting for their collapse. My ankles and feet are weak. I have to have ankle and arch supports, or achilles tendinitis and plantar fasciitis ensue. Currently I have a hairline stress fracture on top of my left foot from walking or standing. My spine is weak. My hips were so weak that they have already collapsed and have already been replaced. My shoulders and elbows are weak, leading to one shoulder replacement thus far. I have had shingles 24 times! I'm on a 24 day course of steroids right now for inflammation of a facial nerve from one of my shingles outbreaks. On the steroids, my immune system was compromised more, so now I am having yet another outbreak!


Why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because I have several autoimmune and auto-inflammatory diseases. I wake up every morning just like everyone else does. The difference is that it takes me 30 minutes to get out of bed because I am so stiff and sore and achy and fatigued and just plain worn out to get my butt out of bed. I move very slowly for about 2 hours after finally maneuvering my crunchy self out of bed.
I take myself directly from my bed to the couch because it is too hard to do much else. Once I take my 10-15 morning pills, I am capable of being a mom to my 6 year old son Mick. I get his breakfast ready, his morning meds, help with his clothes, and then we walk together to his school. I walk there and back which is less than a mile. When I return home, I generally also return to the couch. I love the couch. I set everything up around me that I will need for the day. I have my phone, water, the TV remote, a snack, a book to read, something to work on, my laptop, my pillow and a blanket.



might have some errands to run or appointments to go to while he is at school. I might have some laundry to do. I might have to take Mick to dance class, soccer, baseball or choir after school. For the most part, I am on that couch all day except the walk to and from school and going to bed at night. I might decide to throw in a shower now and then when I get dirty too.







Now to my point...



I'm writing this because I am just so so so tired these days. Sure I do what I need to do for Mick and for my husband, but I am barely getting through the day here. My energy is at a zero. My tank is on empty. I have no extra stores. I have no idea what to do. I have tried resting all day, but it doesn't revive me. I have tried exercise, but it doesn't renew me.






If you are familiar with the Spoon Theory, I am out of spoons. I have no spoon reserves! I have not begged for, borrowed or stolen any spoons. I am just totally SOL! (I will accept donated spoons at any time however. Thanks in advance.)
Family and friends really don't understand. They think because I look good, and I don't look sick that I am perfectly fine. They also believe that because I don't ask for anything or for any help that I don't need anything, anyone or any help. I never call, text, email or send a message via carrier pigeon to my family or friends asking for anything. Interestingly, I don't get calls, texts, emails or messages from carrier pigeons from family and friends asking me if I need anything either.

I have had 10 surgeries, and never once was anyone here from my family while I was in the hospital. Also, I have never had a visitor in the hospital besides my own husband. I have had 3 joints replaced, 2 additional surgeries on my shoulders, 2 additional surgeries on my hips, and my gallbladder removed. I had 2 laparoscopic surgeries. I also have had 4 minor eye procedures done. They are minor yes, but they still have to stick needles in your eyeball. Your eyes are open so you see a needle coming straight at you! It's horrifying! I had to drive myself with an infant after having tear duct plugs placed, removed and tear ducts cauterized. The cauterization is painful even with local anesthesia. They literally burn your tear ducts closed! It smokes and BURNS, actually BURNS! I have had 2 epidural pain injections and nerve blocks in my SI joints. I have had 2 endometrial biopsies in the last two years. Do you know that they don't give you anesthesia for that? They just cut pieces of your endometrial wall without any numbing or ice or anything. I go every 4 weeks for an I.V. (Remicade) for my psoriatic arthritis. I always go alone and return by taxi home.


Still I know what everyone is thinking as they read this, "You are so strong!" No, I'm not! Every single day. I lose a little bit of hope. Every single day, I fear for the next day. Every single day, I find it harder and harder to leave my house. Every single day, I find it harder just to do the simple thing. But ya know what? Every single day, I pray a little harder too. Every single day, I still get out of bed no matter how hard or how long it takes. Every single day, I continue to get dressed. Every single day, I take all my medicine. Every single day, I teach my son how to love others, how to be happy, how to grow up to be a strong husband and father some day. Every single day, I remind myself that it's ok to be weak. Every single 
















day, I remind myself to ask for help. Every single day, I remind myself that I can't do it alone. Every single day, I remind myself that I have gotten this far, and I can keep going. Every single day, I remind myself that, I may be weak right now, but if I play my cards right, I think I might come out with a good, strong hand.What's the secret? There really is no secret to being strong except figuring out that you had the answer all along. All of us who are weakened physically by chronic illnesses, somehow God has blessed us with a strong will, a strong heart and a strong soul. We have to figure that out on our own though. We have to get there on our own. For me, the realization comes every single day when I look at my son, and I understand that I am his STRONG Chronically Mommy! So...I may not be as strong as everyone thinks I am right now, but it is in my journey that I will become strong!







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